Tired of tip-toeing around the Hummer’s inherent incongruity with things like caring for the planet, giving a damn about anyone’s safety, or working towards national energy self-reliance, the auto manufacturer has officially proclaimed*, “Screw it!”
As a Hummer H8 owner, you scoff at weight limit laws, you dare hybrids to use the car pool lane, you’re not afraid to ignore your blind spots, and you do your best to eliminate that pesky Ozone layer! More than anything else, you know you’re better than a Hummer H2 or Hummer H3 owner because H2 + H3 only equals H5! Once you get your 5.9 mpg Hummer H8, slap your "No Fear" sticker on the back, install your 30" bling bling wheels, you’re ready to avoid puddles and mud like nobody’s business. F@#k Mother Earth, she likes it!
Rather than attempting to make its new vehicle line appear practical or functional, as was the tactic with the H2 – an oversized Chevy Tahoe with a extra heavy cover – or downsizing to pursue customers who might give half a crap, the approach with the H3, Hummer has elected to stop pretending to be something that it isn’t with the new H8. The name itself is popular shorthand for “hate.”
Hummer is going directly after its critics and refocusing marketing on their core customers:
Look at this attempt to ban our beloved behemoths! Don’t they know we don’t need to follow any laws written by girly men? Somebody needs to tell them that Hummer H8 owners follow a higher power. Apparently they don’t know that the "H" in Jesus H. Christ stands for "Hummer!" Who cares if we’re contributing to the destruction of the environment? Who’s to say that it’s wrong to put other peoples’ lives in danger? What’s wrong with being at greater risk of rolling our vehicles over? Jesus Hummer Christ doesn’t see anything wrong with it, so why do these people?
* Yes, this post references a parody and, no, neither General Motors nor Hummer are in on the joke.