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 Last week, an Illinois man attempted to abscond with 300 gallons of big, fat booty—stolen vegetable grease from an area Burger King. The thief, David Richardson, was employed by Restaurant Oils of America in Las Vegas. Police suspect he intended to trade up the siphoned oil by taking it to a refinery and turning it into biofuel. Media sources suggest that the rising price of gas is driving up the crime rate and, in a depressed economy, people are more desperate than ever to get their fix.
But, long before high gas prices and the so-called fuel crisis, cars have been the culprit behind many a crime. To compound their gross violations against the planet (too myriad to name), here are just a few choice infractions in which cars serve as an enabling accomplice.
Crimes against Humanity
You may want to think twice before flipping off that Hummer. As if Hummers weren’t dangerous enough, the automaker now encourages drivers to carry arms. New H2 Safaris come complete with gun racks.
Crimes of the Heart
Honey, get the hell out of the way. This summer, when Jesenia Vega clambered into her car sloppily drunk in Long Island, New York, her heroic honey, Louis Wiederer, tried to stop her. So, instead of slamming on the brakes, she ran him over. Looks like the wedding’s off.
Crimes against Class
NASCAR. Need I say more? If so, a recent robbery at a bank by a NASCAR fan covered in a disguise of drywall mud should do the trick. The man was easily apprehended because of the NASCAR plate on his getaway car.
Crimes against Nature
Fast food plus drive-thrus? Nature never intended waistlines like these. If you can’t see your toes, maybe it’s time to forego service with a smile—and start walking.
Crimes against Cats and Dogs
Does this dog look happy to you?
Crimes against Peace (and Quiet)
If I hear my neighbor ghetto-blast Phil Collins from her Ford Ranger pickup one more morning at six o’clock sharp, I’m calling the cops. Same goes for the macho guys (and girls) with a complex who install huge, barking engines on their beat-up Chrysler low-riders and rev them like they’re at monster truck rallies. Here’s a newsflash for the Napoleons: a pair of dice dangling from the rearview, coupled with leopard-print seat covers and shiny rims, does not send the message that you have huge balls and a bone-crushing musculature. In Edinburgh, loud music blasting from a teenager’s car actually killed a man (who was a cousin to actor Sean Connery).
Crimes against Stroller Moms
When a car almost mowed down a Park Slope mom and her baby stroller on a busy street in Brooklyn, the woman decided to do more than flip off the driver. She pulled a can of beans from the pouch of her McClaren and hurled it at the car’s rear windshield, cracking it apart. The crowd cheered and fellow peds had her back when the driver pulled over to start a fight.
Crimes against Elizabeth Hurley
Why, in 1995, didn’t Hugh Grant just get a room?
Recent news, however, is heartening. In Canada, the courts are on our side.
Photo via flickr by orionoir & Benimoto
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